Foundation
What We Mean by "Forgive"
We have a vague sense that we're supposed to forgive, a guilty feeling when we can't, and very little idea of what it actually looks like in practice.
Forgiveness is not what most people think it is.
It is not excusing, reconciling, forgetting, a feeling, or weakness. It looks the wrong squarely in the face and says: that was wrong — and I am releasing my claim on it.
So what is forgiveness?
Forgiveness is releasing your claim on the debt. Not because the debt isn't real, but because you are choosing to absorb the cost rather than demand payment. This is exactly what God did for us in Jesus.
Forgiveness is for you, not only for them.
Holding an unforgiven offense is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to get sick. Releasing the debt to God is not pretending it didn't happen. It means you are no longer the one carrying it.
How you actually do it.
Forgiveness is a prayer before it is a feeling: "Jesus, what [name] did was wrong. It hurt me. I am choosing to release my claim on this debt and hand it to you. I cannot do this on my own. Help me." You may need to pray it again tomorrow. Each time the memory returns, that is an invitation to forgive again.
When forgiveness seems impossible.
If you cannot forgive, tell him that. Ask him to give you what you don't have. If the wound is deep enough, seek a counselor or pastor — don't try to rush through this alone.
A note on forgiving yourself.
If God has forgiven you — and he has, completely, in Jesus — then refusing to forgive yourself is not humility. It is a second-guessing of what God has already declared. Receive what he has given. Then move.