Foundation
What We Mean by "Go to the Person"
For many people, this is one of the most anxiety-producing instructions in the entire Christian life. Most of us were never taught how to do it.
Why Jesus said to go directly.
When someone wrongs you, the first move is to go to the person. One on one. In private. It is an act of respect — it gives the person a chance to respond before anyone else has formed an opinion.
What it is not.
It is not confrontation for its own sake. The goal is restoration. It is not unloading everything at once — one issue only. It is not going in hot — wait until you can speak with some degree of calm.
Before you go.
First, bring it to Jesus. Second, get clear about what you're going to say — one issue, clearly stated. Third, check your goal — are you going to restore, or to punish?
What to actually say.
"I need to talk with you about something. When [specific thing happened], I felt [what you actually felt]. I wanted to come to you directly because I value our relationship. Can we talk about it?"
What to do with their response.
They may receive it well, become defensive, deny it, or not respond at all. In every case: you have been faithful to the process. The outcome is not yours to control.
If the first conversation doesn't resolve it.
Bring it back to Jesus honestly. Sometimes the answer is to wait and stay open. Sometimes it is to accept that this relationship has limits you cannot fix. If still unresolved, bring a trusted pastor, counselor, or mentor into the situation.
A word about power.
When there is a significant power imbalance — an employer, an abuser — the wisdom of going directly is more complicated. Bring a trusted person into your thinking before you act.